Need
by Jennie
Summary: Seph hates me, and I deserve it. Linda/Seph interaction. A slightly AU twist to the series, taking place during Warrior Heir.


**Title:** Need  
**Author:** Jennie  
**Characters:** Linda Downey, Seph McCauley, Leander Hastings, Jack Swift.  
**Rating:** G  
**Fandom:** Heir Trilogy  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. I am merely borrowing the characters and do not intend to make any profit.  
**AN:** First line comes from a prompt at LJ community **promptdujour**, changed name and tense. Also written for LJ community **64damn**prompts prompt: _35. hunger_. AU, sort of, though the general idea could technically fit after the meeting at Second Sister. Also, read Wizard Heir before reading this, or you'll be spoiled on a very large plot point. This is/will probably be part of a longer series that won't leave me alone at the moment. I think the background is explained enough in the fic itself, so I won't clarify anything here.

* * *

Seph hates me, and I deserve it. His bright eyes peer out at me from underneath dark lashes, his skin so pale in the morning light. He has Lee's cheekbones and nose, his hair, his brow, his build. I see maybe one element he inherited from me, the way his eyes change colors when you stare into them.

We keep each other's gaze, his eyes shifting from murky green to pale blue to gold and back again, and I'm at a complete loss of what to say, for once. There are few people in the world who can leave me breathless, unable to think clearly. Leander is one of them- and Seph has apparently inherited his talent.

"I- I'd like to get to know you," I venture hesitantly, my hands clasped around the steaming cup of coffee the waitress poured for us. Our eyes still locked, I slowly bring the cup up to my mouth and take a sip. The hot liquid burns my throat, but it takes my mind off the burn in my heart.

The shrug is minimal- I nearly missed it. He idly chops up his pie, taking small bites of the apple filling and mixing them with the now-melted ice cream before bringing the fork up to his mouth. He swallows, bringing an elegant hand up to his mouth to dab at it with a napkin. Seph is- he's fascinating. Every gesture he makes holds my entire attention. Not because of the Persuasion I know he's quite capable of, but just because that's who he is.

"Why?" he finally asks, leaning back, breaking eye contact. He steeples his long fingers before bringing them into his lap, under the table, out of view. His curls are brushing into his eyes and I fight to keep my hands to myself, refusing to reach over and move them away. He's just like his father, my mind echoes, remembering back to a time when I could reach over and tenderly brush the fly-away curls away from his eyes, leaning forwards to place a soft kiss upon his lips, as he brought up a hand to cradle my cheek and-

No.

Thoughts like that are what got me into trouble in the first place.

I place down my cup, leaning forwards, almost as if I'm trying to bridge the distance between us. "Because I love you, Seph. I haven't seen you in fifteen years, and for the last three of those years, I believed you were dead, or at least missing." I fight back tears, recalling how it felt to receive the news that Genevieve LeClerc was dead, that there was no trace of the boy within her care. Genevieve had died in a car crash, a horrible accident where a truck driver had lost control of his rig and had plowed into Genevieve's car, pushing them both off of the freeway into a ditch. The cars had caught on fire and both bodies had been identified by DNA. There was no sign of a little boy in the car with her, but since as far as anyone knew, little Joseph McCauley _had_ been in the car with his guardian, there was little hope of finding him alive.

Not that I gave up on hope.

I spent a year searching for him, believing that his powers could have saved him, or that Genevieve had dropped him off somewhere before she got in the accident- the police gathered that she was on the way to a book club meeting- an event she did not usually have Seph accompany her to. But there was no sign of him, and eventually I exhausted my resources. Nothing new was turning up. I was a wreck to the point that even Becca had noticed something was wrong with me, and I had no desire to explain to my older sister what had happened.

I quit searching.

But I never gave up hope.

I still didn't, even up to the point when I was confronted with Seph and Jack being hurled out of the school by two Traders. My blood, which had been on fire, turned to ice as I saw the second boy limp in their arms. Jack was still awake, moving on his own power, able to plead for Becca to stay out, well aware of what was happening. I offered myself as a trade, hoping that they'd go for it, hoping that Lee was somewhere, waiting for him. And then the second boy- a young, lean man with a tangled mop of dark curls and translucent skin- was carried out, slumped over.

I knew him in an instant.

Seph speaks, bringing me out of my thoughts. "If you loved me," his voice is low and soft, his eyes flicking to gold, "you wouldn't have given me away in the first place."

My heart seizes. I can't bear it anymore- I reach a hand out and cup his cheek. He freezes, his golden eyes staring straight ahead. "I was so _scared_, Seph. I was so young and Lee and I were right in the middle of the war and I didn't- I wanted- I made a decision that I have regretted since the day I made it, but also a decision I fully stand behind, because I did it for _you_."

"Did you ever consider the fact that I might need a mother more?" His eyes change to a brilliant green, and I can tell he's hiding something. He moves his cheek away from my hand, bringing his own hands to rest on top of the table. I watch him move around melted ice cream and pie, his gaze downcast.

There's nothing I can say to that.

We sit in silence, saying "no, thank you" only when the waitress comes and offers to take his plate away, or get me a refill of coffee. Our time is running short, Leander will be back soon. I'm not sure of what to do, how to react. I've come accustomed to people doing what I wish, following my lead. It's the gift and curse of being an enchanter. I speak, and people listen.

But Seph isn't like that.

He's powerful, I can tell. From what Jack said, when Seph surprised the Traders in the bathroom, he gave a good fight until Alicia Middleton knocked him on the back of the head and managed to get Weirsbane into his mouth. And after living with Leander for the last fthree years, I'm sure he has had quite an education in wizardry.

I don't begrudge Lee the time with his son, but I wish I could have been involved. I truly did what I believed best at the time, though I know Lee does not believe it- and neither does Seph. For all his anger at being denied his son in his early years, I must admit that Lee has made an effort to convince Seph _not_ to hate me.

Unfortunately, Seph seems to have inherited our stubbornness.

I finally open my mouth, and let the story spill out. "I was barely seventeen when I got pregnant." It's something I need to say, something Seph needs to hear, regardless if he wants to or not. He still won't look at me, but his fork slows. "I was still new to everything- the Trade, my powers, fighting, keeping a part of myself hidden from my family. Becca- Becca took me in, because my parents 'couldn't handle me' anymore- that's what they said. No one knew it was because I had finally come into my powers at sixteen, that I was dealing with things no sixteen year-old should have to deal with."

I take a breath, forcing the rest of the story out. "Becca had had her baby, and I used the few connections I had to find Jessamine Longbranch and get her to insert a stone. I was mortified when I learned what she- what _I_ had done. I made sure Becca realized the importance of giving Jack the Weirsbane, and I left. I returned to the Resistance, full of doubt and guilt. I had essentially forced my nephew into a life _no_ one should live, all because I was too stupid to realize the treachery of wizards.

"Lee came for me. We had- we had been _involved_, that is to say, I was very much in love with him. I didn't- I _couldn't_ tell him what I had done, how I had subjected an innocent baby to such a horrible existence- because that's what warriors were. But I let him comfort me. And soon later, I learned I was pregnant with you."

I clutch the cup in my hands, staring at the chipped tabletop, my eyes not really seeing as I went back to that time. "I was- it was horrifying and amazing at the same time. I loved you the moment I learned about you, but I was so terrified. My nephew was forced into being a warrior. Leander and I were moving around, using fake names and identities, never staying in one spot very long. I watched him- mere _minutes_ before I was going to tell him about you- nearly get killed by a very lucky curse from an inept Trader, who didn't even realize who it was he almost brought down.

"And in that minute, watching Lee hold a kerchief to a head wound, as he sent back an extremely nasty curse that literally peeled the skin away from the man's bones as we questioned him- I knew that this wasn't the life I wanted my child to have. I wanted my child to have a chance at the childhood I had- growing up in a nice family, properly cared for, with friends and love. And while Leander and I could and would certainly be able to supply the love- we couldn't promise anything else. Not when we were living day by day, always running, looking over our shoulders."

I close my eyes, willing the tears back. I will never forget that day, when I almost lost Lee, when I almost lost everything because of a mistake. The Trader had thought Lee was Anaweir and I, the enchanter, had seduced him. The look on the man's face when Lee killed him will stay in my mind forever. The curse was truly nasty, but it kept him alive long enough to extract the needed information from him. The fact that it was all a _mistake_ is what scared me the most- what would have happened if the trader actually knew who Lee and I were?

I swallow, force my eyes close, bring the cup up to my lips and take a sip of the now luke-warm coffee to distract myself from the memory. Seph has stilled now, his eyes still focused on his plate. "I knew that if I told him, Leander would never let me give you up. Not when we were the only family he had. So I slipped away one night, got on a train and disappeared. I went to Genevieve, because we had worked together a few times on the Trade and I knew she had experience in Healing- along with childbirth. I told Nick about you, because he managed to track me down. I made both Genevieve and Nick swear not to tell Leander about me or my pregnancy. I left you in Genevieve's care, because as much as I wanted to stay with you, I know people were still looking for me. Sorcerers are, unfortunately, not considered to be worth much, but at least it meant Traders wouldn't be actively hunting her like they were me. And I hoped and prayed that you would at least come to like her."

"I did." His gaze is still down-cast, but he whispers the words. "I loved her. I tried to call her 'Mother' once, and she told me that she wasn't my mother- that my mother was dead, but she loved me very much. She always- she made sure that I knew I had other parents, that she was just caring for me because there was no one else to. But I also knew that she loved me like her own son." He raises his head, his eyes meeting mine- the same shade of crystalline blue. "I still wanted, _needed_ a mother of my own. A father. Genevieve died because of me- because I couldn't control my power when I was scared. The accident wouldn't have _happened_ if I had been able to keep a grip on my powers. And when the police took me away and this- this _wizard_ comes to see me and suddenly I have a father who never knew about me until he started investigating. But I still didn't have a mother. And in time, I realized I didn't _need_ a mother. Especially one who didn't seem to want me either."

The words sting. They hurt much more than I thought they would. It's a sharp, constant pain that flows through my body, squeezing my heart, makes my fingers tingle, makes it hard to breathe. "I'm so sorry, Seph," I choke out, finally allowing the tears to fall. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't really cut it." He tosses the words at me like sharp darts that hit their mark and make me bleed even more. Except that this bleeding is only emotional.

"I want to get to know you," I whisper, "I want to be a part of your life again, if you'll let me."

He breaks our gaze, looking away from the table. "I don't know if I can," he answers quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. "I learned long ago not to expect much. And Dad and I- we've done really well these last years. It's- I mean- _why_ should I let you into my life?"

"Because I love you. Because I may have given you away, but it wasn't because I didn't care about you- it was the exact opposite. I gave you away so you could have a _life_, Seph. It wasn't an easy decision and I never once went a day without thinking of you. But I had to put your well-being over mine, and if that meant giving you to Genevieve to raise, then that's what I had to do."

He turns back towards the table, wiping his hands with a napkin after setting down his fork. "I don't know," he mumbles, looking into his lap. "I just don't know."

I nod, because it's the only thing I can do.

The bell rings, and I glance up to see two figures enter. I watch Seph's face relax and take on a relieved look, as if he's just been tortured for an hour. I don't know, perhaps he has. Perhaps he sees spending time with me as being tortured. Jack and Leander approach us, Jack taking in the surroundings while Lee is focused on the boy at the table with me. They both reach the table at the same time, standing slightly apart.

"Hey, Seph, Aunt Linda." Jack gives Seph a cautious smile before grinning at me. I try to grin back, but do not succeed.

"How did things go?" Lee asks in a quiet yet powerful voice, as if he knows what the answer will be the moment he asks the question.

"Fine." Seph pushes back from the table, stands. I watch him unfold his lanky form, a boy on the way to becoming a man, a teen who is still in that awkward stage of in-between. It occurs to me how much I missed, and makes the ache in my chest grow. "Can we go now?" He steps away from the table, moving closer to the one parent who _hasn't_ betrayed him.

Lee looks between the two of us, his eyes narrowing when they land on me. "Sure. Your backpack is in the car. Jack just needs to get his stuff."

The two cousins share a quick glance. They weren't close friends, but they were friendly- until Seph tried to rescue him from the Traders and the secret of his parentage came out. Now they seem to drift between discomfort and camaraderie, neither sure of just how to act. Seph seems to be more in control, already aware of his relationship to Jack, while Jack is still getting used to the fact that not only was the new kid in school a powerful wizard, but his aunt's hidden son as well as the son of his warriormaster.

"Are you coming, Aunt Linda?" Jack finally turns back to me, while Seph is already half-way out of the door.

I nod silently, pushing my coffee back and standing. I meet Leander's eyes, before shaking my head, signaling that our discussion didn't go as well as I would have liked. I need to be in Seph's life. I can't watch from a distance anymore, not when he's right in front of me. I make my way outside, hanging back, watching Seph speak in hushed voices with Leander near his car, while Jack pulls out a duffel bag containing his sword from the trunk.

I feel like an outcast in my own family.

"I'm ready, Aunt Linda." Jack's words bring me out of my reverie, causing me to jump. "Are you all right?" He questions, looking at me cautiously, like I'm about to faint on him.

"I'm fine." I give him a tight-lipped smile, and turn away, towards my own car. "Come on, let's go home."

I force myself to move away from Seph, while my body tingles with each step I take away. At this moment, the enchanter has become the enchanted- enchanted by a fifteen- nearly sixteen year-old wizard who wants nothing to do with her. Jack is already waiting at the door for me to unlock the car, and I absent-mindedly push the unlock button on the control before I reach for the handle.

"Wait." Both Jack and I swerve our heads around to face the two men. Seph has stepped forwards- not more than a couple of steps, but it's enough for my heart to start to race. "I- thank you," he changes his mind, looking on the ground. I watch Lee put his hand on his shoulder, giving a slight squeeze.

"It wasn't a problem," I assure him, giving him a hesitant smile. I don't think either of us know what he's thanking me for, but the words are simple and easy to come by- a programmed response. Jack uses the time to climb into the car, but I pause for a second, watching Seph move around to get into Lee's car. Lee gives me a nod and a tight smile before getting in himself, and I finally take the cue myself.

It _hurts_ to leave Seph, to watch Seph leave. I want to think that I got through to him today, but I'm realistic enough to realize that even if I made _some_ progress- it's going to take a lot more before I have the relationship I yearn for.

It's worth it.


End file.
